Mind Over Emotions

We both decided to break up;

I endure the pain and try to stop my tears to drop.

It hurts even more looking at your pouting lips;

For the last time you wrap me

With your sweet embrace.

 

The feelilng of sadness,

The sense of loneliness,

Reminiscing your sweet kisses,

Broke my heart into pieces.

 

Wherever I go, whatever I do,

All the things around, just remind me of you;

My tears constantly fall,

And I can’t help it, for now I care for nothing at all.

 

I think of you every single minute,

Hoping that you still love me, even just a bit;

Here, I am now missing you,

Wondering if I can open your heart,

And still find my slot.

 

I wish I had never let you go,

I find it hard to let this feeling flow;

Now, I don’t know where to go,

Without you, this world spins so slow.

I had wrote many things in my two previous posts (the Grudge and The Grudge 2), probably because I can still feel those familiar emotions which I have been keeping to myself for so long. But that was not enough. I wasn’t done yet. Supposedly, there’s still a lot more to say about him…us…his unfaithfulness…my stupidity.

 

For how many weeks, I was having a hard time writing a little, at least, as continuation to those posts, but I really could not think of any. No! I can think of many things but for some reasons, I could not write it. At first I thought I was just distracted with Tristan or maybe I was just tired and so I presumed the best time to write is at night…the only time when I could not hear the irritating voice of my father and I wouldn’t be disturb by Tristan. But it wasn’t a good idea actually. Still I wasn’t able to write anything. Weird. The pain, heartache, anger … they’re all in my head but I can not feel them. Not anymore.

 

As time flies, I figured out the reason why I had difficulty in writing about his shortcomings, why I don’t feel bitter when his name is being mentioned, and why I don’t have to fake a smile anymore. One thing is for sure. I’m over him. I already forgave him. I don’t know how and when exactly. I can’t even believe this would happen. I thought it would be very impossible and that I should see him suffer first before I can forgive him but I just did!

 

Ironic. I’ve been trying to convince myself that I had too much and that I should really forget him. God knows how much I tried, but I always end up longing for him. And just when I started not to care at all and let things as it is, I also started to let go of those things… unconsciously!

 

I realized Gods made it easy for me. We can really count on him in times like this. We should not lose faith because he reserves something wonderful for us. There is more to life than we ever thought. We cannot expect the world to be good to us all the time but as long as we have Him, we sure can make it. He even puts us in a test. Sometimes he lets us experience so much pain for us to become tough, wise and be able to handle things the next time.

 

Now, life goes on for me. His (Renz) absence does not mean it’s the end of the world but rather a new beginning and a chance for me to explore what has really been in store for me. I learned to look at the bright side of things. There’s really no sense in keeping grudges. It would only stop me to enjoy other things. Besides, there’s one important thing I have to thank him for. Because of him, I have Tristan, whose smile and skills never failed to surprise and pull out my burden. And that covers his father’s shortcomings.

J: Naa gud ko’y load! Ngano gi-loadan ko nmo?

R: Aw. Abi nako wala. Di man gud ka nagareply.

J: imong uyab diay imo i-text

R: Nge! Naunsa napud ka?

R: Tukar napud ning bayhana ni ay.

J: Sus! Yaw na! Gi-text-an na nako ang babae oi. Niamin na siya na uyab mo.

(that was the trick! Of course, I did not text her)

R: Ows?

R: Kung tinuod naa ko’y uyab, unsa man daw pangalan be?

J: Sus! Xyllene Kaye. Xyka.

R: Aws.

R: Di man to serious oy

R: Bulagan naman gain nako to kay nagtell man ko niya na naa ko uyab. Di man siya     mosugot.

R: Woi

R: Sorry na buh

R: Please

R: Sorry na. Bulag naman mi

Blah blah blah. More text from him. More “sorry”. For a while I forgot how pissed I was. I was laughing. Naisahan pa diay. Really. I did not expect he’d bite that simple trick.

———————————–

Oops! Oh oh! I forgot what happened after that.

———————————–

My first thought when I wake up the next morning was about him… or should I say…them. Then realization had struck me… tsk! Good feelings’ gone. Him with another girl… Him with another girl… Him with another girl. It felt like my heart was going to swell up and burst through my chest.

That was the time I started hating him.

I wanted to get even but I didn’t know how… or maybe I just knew that seeking revenge will not do any good after all.

I just… I just want him out of my life but I was thinking of the baby which I have to bear sooner. Should I deprive him the right of having father?

I told my mom about it, hoping she had a better idea but to my dismay, she said, “Sagdii lang na siya. Importante nay mailhan papa ang bata. Di man pwede dli nmo siya paadtuon diri kay naa man siya’y katungod og responsibilidad sa bata. Ayaw na hunahunaa na kamo pa gihapon. Isipa nalang na naga istoryahanay mo tungod lang sa bata”.

Waa. If I was given the chance to decide, I will not let him see the baby. He doesn’t deserve to become the father of my child. He is immature, selfish, insensitive, mababaw.

Mura siya’g dili lalaki, as described by Angelo.

Hopeless.Helpless. I felt betrayed. I want to cry but too proud to do it. I kept on pretending that I was fine in front of my friends. I don’t want them to think that I was such a loser but truly I was. I got pregnant. I had to stop my studies for one year. Many do’s and don’ts to follow. I was not anymore allowed to go on “gimiks” and stuffs like that. My teenage life had ended too soon.

While him? Nah!

He kept on visiting me. I can’t believe he still had the nerve to show his face to me. Unsay drama? (I think I forgot to mention that I broke up with him). He even told my friend Jane that I was ignoring him when he’s around. He does the talking. Always! Starts the conversation but gets no any answer or reaction from me. And every now and then I kept on asking him, “di paka mouli?! Katulugon nagud ko!”  I think my friend find me rude for that. It was true, though. But how did he expect me to react? Welcome him with a big smile, open arms, and warm embrace? Lols.

***

I remember there was a time I was alone in the house. I was bored to death and I suddenly thought that maybe that time, he was having a good time with that girl. Stroll the mall, eat lunch together, watch movie … err! Stuffs we used to do before. The thought of it made me jealous, angry. I felt like crying again. I don’t want to think about it but stupid as I was, I kept thinking bout it. I was not so myself when I decided to go to my room. I slammed the door and —- BLAG!

I don’t know how it happened. All I knew is that I fell on the stairs down to my room! I studied myself. Checking if there was a part of me that was aching.  I checked my legs. Trying to see if there was blood running down on it (as what we always see in movies). Thank God there wasn’t any blood. The baby’s safe. But I could hear my heart beats so loud. I felt I was going to pass out. But then I realized there was no one in the house. Who would rescue me? So I tried to relax. Finally I felt my heart beat back to normal.

I blamed him for that incident.  I almost lost Tristan.

 

 

 

to be cont…

2009!

Almost 2 years!

Still it haunts every now and then…

Can’t seem to forget.

June 12, 2007. It was my 17^th birthday when I first knew that he had courted another girl. Wow! Timing jud sa ako birthday?! I was scanning his phone and there I have read everything. I didn’t know how to react since we were in an internet café that time. I tried to focus on playing Audition but I just couldn’t so I stopped and sat beside him and watched him play Ragnarok. He notice my silence and asked, “nihilom lage ka?”  I answered, “Wala”. My eyes were on the monitor but I wasn’t really looking at it. I suddenly felt the tension between us and I was very sure he felt that too. I knew he had already had an idea that I have read those stuffs in his inbox. Duh! Nganong wa gi-delete! After a few minutes, he decided to quit playing RO and suggested that we should go back home. I said ok and walked ahead of him. My relatives we’re all there and I was quite sure that if we enter the house, we will be the center of everyone’s attention. Why not! It was my birthday and they just knew that I was pregnant so I’m sure they would ask lots of questions. After what I’ve discovered, sure I’m not in the mood to entertain anyone. So we just stayed outside instead. Again he asked me, “Hilum lage ka? Wla ko naanad”. I felt that he was guilty. And I was bothered. I wanted to ask him but I was scared. Scared of what he might going to tell me. Too scared to hear right from him that yes! He was really playing behind my back. *sigh* I was never really good at confrontations. And coward as I was, I said, “wala oi. Gikapoi lng ko”. It didn’t took long when he said he had to go because his kuya was looking for him. He even invited me to go with him. I wanted to. I always wanted to be near him but then that time I realized I needed to be alone(yeah! That’s what I always do if something’s bothering me seriously. I want to think about it over and over before I’ll share it to others or keep it to myself). So I told him, “dli lng ko. Matulog nako karon”. So there! He said goodbye to my parents, gave me a goodbye kiss then he rode on a taxi. That was it! He’s gone. No confrontation happened. I immediately went inside the house and as expected, all eyes were on me. “ Uy, ang birthday girl, asa man ni gikan?” , “happy birthday Lai” , “musta man ang butod?” , “unsa gnalihian nmo lai?”, blah blah blah.  I answered some of their questions then I excused myself. I told them I was very tired. After I kissed my elders, I hurriedly went to my little room. At last! I lie on my bed, close my eyes, and tried to figure out what was happening. How I wish it wasn’t true. But I couldn’t be wrong. I’d seen it with my own eyes. Who is she? Where did he pick that bitch? There were lots of messages from his other girl but I could only remember one text, “ Ngano gipanguyaban man ko nimo?”. It only meant one thing. He’s courting her or worst, she had already said yes to him!

Pathetic! It was my birthday. I was supposed to be having fun. YEah! I did have fun earlier, when I haven’t read those craps! I slept with a very heavy load that night.

 

That was just the start of my nightmares.

 

I just realized how stupid I was for letting him hurt me a lot of times, when in fact I could have done something for me not to get hurt.

 

After that, I did a little…well sort of investigation and I found out that the “other girl” was from Tagum City particularly in Maco. They just knew each other in friendster so I thought it’s no big deal. Knowing him! For sure she’s just one of his many flings and I’m quite used to it. Hay! Gipasagdan nalang pud nako.

One day, when we were in the mall looking for some baby stuffs, he asked me if a have a Trigonometry book. I asked, “Ngano, nagskwela diay ka?”. He answered, “Dili, akong pinsan man gud na 1^st year college nagpapalit og libro”. Doubt suddenly crossed my mind. Naa diay siya pinsan na 1^st year college? Then he added, “ sabayan nako to karon paghuman na to palit. Taga Maco man gud to. Di pa kaayo to katuod diri sa Davao. Asa pa ba lain bookstore diri?”. Yawa! Sa ako pa nangutana. Baga jud og nawng. I didn’t know how I managed to answer, “ sa C&E or sa Rex or sa National Bookstore…daghan man”.

 

After we bought some stuffs for our incoming baby, we decided to eat at Timesquare. I wasn’t talking much because I was afraid that if I open my mouth to talk, I’ll burst into tears instead. Thank God I was able to hold back my tears when I asked him, “Pwede pahiram cp?”. He answered, “ Wait..replyan sa nako ni”. After a while he handed me his phone. The first thing I did was checked his inbox. I suspiciously read every message when suddenly it beeped. I immediately open the new message while he, too, was waiting for the message to appear. Anger aroused within me as I read the text.. I love you kuya. Shit! I knew it. He pretended as if it was nothing. “aw..ig-agaw nako”.

“har! Ig-agaw bitaw!”

“Lage”

“ Ilara ko oi. Pinaka-close gani nako na pinsan di man gani mag ‘I love you’ sa text”

“Lage. Adtuon pa nato o!”

“Sus”

I was really angry with him. It was so obvious. yet he still denied it. Was he thinking I was that stupid to believe his alibis? Sh*t! I knew what I saw. So she’s here. I know they’re having an affair and it’s ok with me. I was kinda used to it. Him having lots of flings online. But the fact that this one’s staying here is a different thing. That meant they’ll be seeing each other more often.

“Tara lage! Diskumpyado man kaya ka? Adtuon lage nato!”

“Ikaw lang! Di pako ana ka desperado sa imo!!”

 

Then I stood up and walked away.., headed outside Timesquare. He followed me but I ignored him. I walked silently till I reached near Davao Doctor’s Hospital where I’ll be riding a tricycle to reach home.

 

 

to be cont…

How can I forget you?

When my heart says you’re the one

But what can I do

Your heart already belongs to someone

 

Hope I can teach my heart

Not to love you that much

Seems that my world fall apart

Since you left my broken heart

 

Now that you’re gone

Only memories are left behind

But you’ll always be special

In my heart and in my mind

waaaa…nbag-uhan ko..dugaya nko wla ka post oi..hehehe..bz man gud daw ko..tnuod na xa ha..ehhe

hmmm..ngstart ko og ka busy ktong gpahimo mi og LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT sa among psychology teacher as our midterm project..!! GANAHAN KA??? video pa jud..with all the eulogies, pictures, epitaph, burial place, burial song w/ lyrics pa jud..Pirting palaga sa akong mama pagkakita..Kadako pa daw namong buhi gnapatay na mi..tama pud btaw..almost 1 month na sukad pagpasa nmo ato but still wa ghapon ko kblo what’s the rationale behind  that project.

tpos eXam na!!!tantananantanan…pirti kdaghan og handouts oi.. 3 days ang exam pero 1st day pa lang..ghakot na nako tnan subject..tsk3..lisuda jud aning irreg ta oi..lain man pud mag special kay wla koy mkopyahan..ahahhha…pero mao ra man ghapon..pasang awa man ghpon akong mga exam scores…tsk tsk tsk..tragic!!

then mga katikaran sa eskwelahan…hahhaha..pinugsanay man gud..so maski dli ka ganhan magjoin maski mutan-aw nalang, pero siraduan man ang gate, no choice jud ka..pakshit au noh…

nya mao ra to..i thank u.bow

 

 

PS: dugay na ni na post..feb13,2009 to be exact.sa wordpress man gud ni nkapost dati..gibalhin nko dri sa blogsome..heheh… +peace+

 

 

Wee… heyah guys and gals! I’m back… back to my true love…hehehe (chat, surf, games, fs…etc) INTERNET in general. Way back, I spent lots of time in front of the computer. Chatting with friends, kept on updating my friendster and myspace accounts, playing online games and stuffs like that, I can say that I spent almost half of my life online…tsk tsk..Bad habit! (Who cares?!)

Until that “thing” (refers to me being pregnant) happened. There’s no problem with that actually. I still use the internet as often as I want. But I was kind of sensitive during my pregnancy. Those “puyat” led to pre-term labor. Of course we did not allowed it to happen so I just stayed in the room, rest and when I say rest, I mean FULL BED REST! Lying on the bed, not even allowed to sit. Ggrrr .  They made me feel like I’m a disabled person that even if I just want to urinate I still have to call the nurse. WHAaat?? Imagine how bored I was.

Then I was back to school last June 2008 but I’m into a different field now so I seldom use internet. But then, this past few days, due to my “samok n asked” (7:30-8:30 [2hours vacant];10:30-11:30[6 hours vacant];5:30-6:30), I find myself spending more time on the computer. And I’m enjoying it again! I realized that I missed…half of my life! Char! Joke! Basta! Daghan qg na miss!

what else? I guess that’s it!

By the way, I want to thank my friend, John Marco Pitlo. His works inspired me to try blogging.salamat sa blog tutorial babz..